On Saturdays I take a long run. It's occurred to me recently that I take a lot of my time running. I take a lot of "me" time. My daughter mentioned it offhandedly the other night, when she was planning several shindigs while we're in Seattle for the All-American Council. I gave her the mommy-talk and told her to rein it in and asked her the question."Why don't you plan these for when we're home?" In reality, she finally confessed, we seem so busy. If I'm not 'off doing one of my runs or errands' there is something to do around home.
Oops. This is a problem.
Poor child feels pressured by a pressured mommy. The thing is, I am fabricating this pressure. Work. Church obligations. Need to write, and be that fulfilled woman with the house that never has dribbles of food down the front of the cabinets and dirty nose prints on the front door glass.
"You gave me eleven things to do!" whined my son this morning after I called him into the kitchen to clean up the sanding of Co-Co Wheats all over the counter top and sink. I don't. I just want the one thing done right and he had to come back nine times to do it. Meanwhile I thought of cleaning out the cat litter. So thing number two popped up. By the way, he confessed it had been three days since he'd alleviated them of the burden of poo.
All this is swirling through my mind on the long run this morning, while I listened to newly loaded music. I felt guilty taking an hour to update the music on my phone. I hate doing it so much that I had accumulated nine Track 17's and all unnamed tracks seemed to have spawned progeny. So, I did it. I cleaned it out, polished up my playlists and grabbed that phone for a sunny October mix. The kind that starts out right, with the likes of Moby's I'm Feeling So Real and Adele's Rolling in the Deep.
Then the song list started hitting me in my gut. I keep hearing St. Isaac say, "This life was given to you for repentance. Do not waste in vain pursuits." So, I complain a lot that there's just not enough time to complete all these writing deadlines, not to mention the gardening, gifts, and kid time.
The thing is, I know there is something epic and out of whack. Anne Lamott talks about the conflict of wanting to be skinny versus wanting to write. Two strong pulls that are real in my world. Honestly. It's part of why I run.
That makes running an indulgence. I start thinking about all the things I need to repent of today and the songs get heavy.
I really don't have much of a call doing any of this running, methinks to myself. I can almost fill my ten fingers with friends who could use me doing a little knee and prostration workout. A little prayer and fasting. I keep asking the Theotokos to pray for me about this misguided pursuit of my own leisure. I keep failing. I am Rolling in the Deep, but I am the person betraying my beloved.So here's a playlist for my perdition, and hopefully to point me towards repentance. Wherever possible, I'm posting links to these songs.
- If the Brakeman Turns My Way ~Bright Eyes
- Rolling in the Deep Adele
- Love Rescue Me U2
- Rock of Ages by Grant Lee Buffalo
- Restore My Soul The Choir
- Track 5 from Good Dog/Black Dog, which is a remix of Over the Rhine's "How Long Have You Been Stoned" and Jay-Z's Allure
- Triasagion by The Psalters
- He Will Come by Waterdeep** Honorable mention to this one by Waterdeep At Least I Got A Car
